This one goes out to all my Trump homies. To the MAGA voter, the Trump-supporter, the fascist-curious, the Red Stater, the Fox News viewer, the boat parader, the “Let’s Go Brandon” flag flyer, the “f–k your feelings” T-shirt wearer.
To the mighty 49.8 percent: Congratulations! You got your man. Orange Julius is about to once again rest his ample ass behind the Resolute Desk. My question to all you is simple: What are you hoping to get out of Trump II? When this second go-round has concluded, how will you determine whether or not it was a success? And what makes you think this time will be any better than the last?
We already know his first administration was a disaster: multiple impeachments, a million dead Americans, the economy in the toilet, jobs lost, a final job approval rating of 34 percent, etc. No wonder you want him back. After all, with a record like that, there’s a lot of room for improvement.
Trump supporters might credibly cry “foul” to that final report card. After all, it’s not his fault a global pandemic came out of nowhere. Fair point, except that we don’t judge presidencies as if they were rhythmic gymnastics competitions. We don’t throw out the best year and the worst year to get an average score.
If we followed MAGA logic, Herbert Hoover would be on Mt. Rushmore. After all, didn’t those 1920s roar? They sure did, right up until the moment that pesky Depression hit. Which returns me to my question: Now that we’ve seen the theatrical release of the Trump presidency, what are you hoping for in the director’s cut?
What metrics are y’all using to determine success this time around? What do you need to happen before you consider the second Trump presidency a success? Are you expecting him to finish the wall? If you recall, last time he ran on building a “big, beautiful wall” across the entirety of the southern border, funded by our amigos to the south. Did that happen? I’ll save you the trouble of Googling: It did not. So, is that Job 1? Because I don’t even remember him mentioning it this time around.
Instead, he decided to change his focus from those coming in to those already here. “Mass deportation now!” placards danced behind Trump during his campaign appearances. He promised to use the police, National Guard, and armed forces to round up millions of people for deportation. How many millions need to be booted out before you decide he did the job he promised to do?
Will you be satisfied with his performance if he only deports half of those “poisoning the blood of this country,” as he said about immigrants? Or do you feel like you need all the poison drawn from our body politic before you again feel safe? How many millions do you need to see paraded through the streets before it’s enough?
What about the economy? The cost of eggs seems to be top of mind for a lot of Trump voters. No doubt expensive eggs are putting a real crimp in the wallets of hard-working Americans. We know costs went up during the pandemic and have never returned to their pre-pandemic levels. Do you need eggs to cost the same as in 2020 before you consider the Trump presidency success or do you just need him to get inflation under control, despite the fact that inflation is already under control, currently hovering right around its target rate?
Trump’s economic plan during the 2024 campaign consisted of a single word: tariffs. Perhaps you’re thinking that, if he just slaps tariffs on everything, egg prices will tumble (hopefully they are hard-boiled eggs).
Never mind the fact that economists who have looked at Trump’s tariff-forward economic plan have concluded that “Trump’s tariffs would cost the average U.S. household about $2,600 per year.” Do you Trump voters have an extra $2,600 to spend on shit that you were going to buy, anyway? Will you consider the second Trump administration a success if your annual household costs only go up $2,200?
Of course, Trump voters don’t only care about rounding up millions of people and housing them in concentration camps while they await deportation and how much a Denny’s Grand Slamwich costs. They also desire peace. And who can fault them for that? We all want peace, and it’s true that America finds itself supporting allies in two conflicts.
Thankfully, President-elect Trump has vowed to end the war in Ukraine straight away, telling Vice President Harris during their debate, “That is a war that’s dying to be settled. I will get it settled before I even become president.”
Great! This is one of those campaign promises we can easily use as a metric to determine success. As of this writing, Trump is not president and the war in Ukraine is not settled. Nor have any negotiations begun. Nor has Trump even mentioned Ukraine since the election.
So, what’s going on? Is he just working the backstage phones with his boy blunder, Elon Musk? The Biden administration just approved long-range missile use from Ukraine to Russia. Does that seem very settled to you guys? Do we wait until Inauguration Day before we consider this a broken promise? Or do we give him a lil’ grace period once he gets into the Oval? Say, a week?
“What do you Trump voters think success looks like in the Middle East? During his first term, he promised that Jared Kushner would bring peace to the region.”
— Michael Ian Black
On the Israel side of things, Trump has promised to give Netanyahu a free hand to “get the job done.” What does that mean? Trump has already articulated his vision for what it looks like, stating that Gaza could be “better than Monaco.” What do you Trump voters think success looks like in the Middle East? During his first term, he promised that Jared Kushner would bring peace to the region.
Did that happen? Did moving the American Embassy from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv accomplish that task? Did the vaunted Abraham Accords? Or are people still slaughtering each other over a spit of land the size of New Jersey?
Do you Trump voters expect a two-state solution? A one-state solution? Trump’s first peace proposal for the region came out in 2020. Here’s how the New York Times described it: “The plan would discard the longtime goal of granting the Palestinians a full-fledged state. President Trump called it ‘a win-win’ for both sides; Palestinian leaders immediately rejected it.”
Back home, Trump has vowed to go after political opponents. What metric are you Trump voters using to determine whether he’s attacked/arrested enough of his political “enemies”? Do we want Adam Schiff in jail and Liz Cheney tried under a military tribunal, as he has fantasized?
Do we want NBC shut down because Kamala appeared on SNL? He’s already sued CBS for $10 billion because he didn’t like a Kamala 60 Minutes profile. Would we like to see all the networks lose their broadcast licenses for not paying sufficient obsequiousness? Would that be considered a success?
What about punishing trans people for existing? That seems like an easy one to accomplish. We can make their lives more difficult, outlaw the care they receive, demonize them, and prevent them from being able to use the restroom when in public.
Trump voters, how are you going to determine whether Trump has sufficiently punished people for the crime of wanting to live authentic lives? What do you think, guys? The problem with scapegoats is that once you’re in power you’ve got to actually do something about them. Historically, it rarely ends well for the goat.
I could go on, of course, but I’m not a Trump voter so it’s hard for me to know your priorities. Do you want policy or persecution? Maybe a lil’ bit of both for funsies? Four years from now, when we look around at a remade America, what are you hoping to see? How do you expect your life to improve? How do you expect your nation to improve? How are you going to judge this second, riskier presidency? What happens if things go bad? Who will be here to clean up all those broken eggs?
