Elena and Kevin Shuff had 17 days with their son Michael Kevin before the newborn’s death on Dec. 26, 2022.
The Advent season is a period of complicated emotions for the north suburban couple.
They recall the elation of becoming parents after the birth of their only child, who came into the world precariously early on Dec. 9, weighing just 2 pounds.
“It was the most joyous time in our lives,” Kevin Shuff said. “It was hope, peace, joy and love.”
Yet they simultaneously mourn the end of his short life, which fell the day after Christmas.
“Knowing he is in heaven is a comfort; knowing we have a saint looking down on us,” he added. “But knowing that doesn’t make up for all the memories we couldn’t create together.”
The mother and father were among the roughly five dozen worshippers who attended the first “Blue Christmas” service at Our Lady of Perpetual Help Parish in Glenview on Wednesday, which was designed to offer a message of healing for those who are grieving, lonely or sorrowful during the holidays.
Blue Christmas services — also called the Longest Night services — are often held on or around the winter solstice, which fell on Saturday this year in the Northern Hemisphere. The date marks the longest night and shortest day of the year, symbolizing a dark time of life as well as the assurance that the days will soon lengthen, giving way to brighter moments in the future.
“It is a hope-based message, even in the midst of struggles,” said Paula Kowalkowski, a certified spiritual director who coordinated the service at Our Lady of Perpetual Help.
Houses of worship across the Chicago area have been hosting similar events to offer solace during the holiday season, which can be particularly challenging for folks enduring pain, hardship or loss.
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Second Unitarian Church of Chicago in the East Lakeview neighborhood held its annual Blue Christmas service on Wednesday to “engage with music, reflect together, light candles and be gentle with one another’s spirits,” according to an event announcement.
In the south suburbs, Faith United Methodist Church of Orland Park held a service Sunday afternoon to “remember those whose loss we feel during Christmastime,” according to the church website. Organizers provided a livestream for those who couldn’t attend in person.
Good Shepherd Church in Naperville offered a Blue Christmas service Saturday afternoon to provide “a comforting space to navigate sorrow during the holidays.”
“We recognized the tension of a season filled with joy and anticipation for Jesus’ birth while carrying the weight of life’s challenges — loss, divorce, addiction, estranged relationships and more,” the service invitation read. “Join us for an evening of prayer, Christmas music, and reflection, as we acknowledge our pain and entrust it to Jesus.”
First and only Christmas
Born premature, Michael Kevin Shuff lived his entire life in the hospital. His parents typically had to visit him individually, scrubbing up before entering the room one by one.
The exception was Christmas Day, when the mother and father were allowed in at the same time and they spent the holiday together as a family.
“It was a beautiful time in our life,” recalled Kevin Shuff, adding that he and his wife had been trying to have a child for years.
“Then the next day, we got the call,” Elena Shuff said, as tears welled up in her eyes.
The infant had to be urgently transported to another hospital and died en route in the ambulance.
Michael Kevin Shuff was buried at St. Mary Catholic Cemetery in Lake Forest. The tombstone on his grave reads: “My last breath. My final heartbeat. My first ride on angel’s wings.”
Amid their sorrow, the mother and father try to remember their son’s life whenever they can.
They celebrate his birthday. On Dec. 25, they will think back to his first and only Christmas two years prior.
The Blue Christmas service at Our Lady of Perpetual Help provided another opportunity to remember their baby.
“He was precious. Angelic,” said Kevin Shuff, as he sat beside his wife in a wooden pew, surrounded by the Christmas trees and holiday wreaths that decorated the church.
The hymns and scripture readings of the service were tailored to themes of grief and sorrow, as well as comfort and solace.
“Some people come because they are mourning the death of a loved one,” Kowalkowski said during the service. “Some have suffered from illness, addiction or estrangement. Some are lonely, struggling or in conflict with another.”
She listed a litany of reasons for attending: Some worshippers are in pain from divorce or broken relationships. Some are lonely. Some are hurting from the violence and despair that plagues the nation and world.
“Tonight we gather in the midst of suffering to remember that God is near. … We are not alone,” she reassured everyone.
The Gospel reading from Matthew relayed a message of comfort amid trials from Jesus: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened. And I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls.”
‘Spring will come’
Worshippers at Our Lady of Perpetual Help were each given a slip of blue paper when they arrived.
Those who were moved to do so could write about their heartache and suffering, or the name of a loved one.
“Something you want to communicate to our God,” Kowalkowski explained during the service.
They could place those folded sheets of paper in baskets in front of the altar; Kowalkowski assured everyone that she would not read them.
“God knows what’s in your heart,” she added.
Through tears, Elena Shuff wrote a prayer for her son and left the message in one of the baskets.
“It does bring a little closure,” she said.
“We rely on our faith,” her husband added. “The (service) is a vessel that transports our messages to heaven.”
Kowalkowski, 64, has a master’s degree in spirituality from the Institute of Pastoral Studies at Loyola University Chicago and serves as the music director at another local parish; she began coordinating a Blue Christmas service a few years ago at her church, at the request of the pastor.
Some of her work is in bereavement ministry. She also experienced great loss after her husband died in March 2014.
The first Christmas afterward was very difficult for her and her daughter, Kowalkowski recalled. But she was able to put up a tree and send Christmas cards, which included her husband’s name in the signature.
Years later, Kowalkowski found love again. But then her partner was diagnosed with lymphoma. After a prolonged illness, he died in November 2023.
“I did not put up a tree that year,” she said in a recent interview with the Tribune. “And since, I have not sent cards.”
It can be particularly hard to grieve when the world is saying “merry Christmas” and “happy holidays,” she noted.
“And you feel terrible inside,” Kowalkowski said. “Like your heart is breaking.”
Yet there is always light, she added. Sometimes that light comes in the form of a kind word from a friend or a text message from a loved one. Sometimes it’s summoning the strength to wake up and get dressed, even when it feels impossible to do so.
“We realize that this winter is not stronger than us. For you will walk with us, you will support us and you will guide us on this new and unfamiliar ground,” she said during the service. “For the sun will slowly melt the ice and the winds will shift, and spring will come. Death will yield to life as it always does. We just must give it time.”
