IF your children fall apart under pressure, here’s how to help them keep calm and carry on by Eva Gizowska.
Adults aren’t the only ones feeling life’s pressures. “So many children need support right now,” says Leanne Cowan, psychologist at KindleKids.
Anxiety is affecting 11% of the UK’s children, stopping them from getting on with their lives.*
So, how do you know if yours is struggling?
First, look for changes in their behaviour. “When a child feels stressed, they may show it as overthinking, avoiding situations, anger or withdrawal,” says Leanne.
When they show signs of mental ill health, such as sleeping difficulties, not wanting to do things they usually like, or self-harm, seek help from a GP or visit the NHS Better Health website.
“Resilience isn’t about being tough and not getting upset, it’s about having the tools to cope and recover from stressful situations,” says Dr Josh Harwood, psychologist at Harwood Child Psychology, who says kids have fewer opportunities to learn resilience today.
“Parent try to protect kids from stress, but this only makes them less resilient, as they haven’t learned the skills to problem-solve.”
Here’s how you can help. . .
BE A ROLE MODEL
5
Adults could learn a thing or two about coping mechanisms, too.
“The old adage: ‘Do as I say, not as I do’, doesn’t wash with children,” says Josh.
“There’s no point in trying to get your child to count to 10 or try deep breathing, when they witness you freaking out. I see a lot of parents through my clinic who worry that their child is always having meltdowns. But children learn by copying. So, when they see you handle difficult situations in a calm and positive way, they will learn to do the same.”
ENCOURAGE PROBLEM SOLVING
Often, we will do anything to make life easier.
“Many parents try to fix everything for their child, rather than encourage them to find a solution,” says Josh.
For example, if they’re frustrated that they are doing most of the work on a shared project, you could suggest they tell the teacher, but you could also empower them to find a solution by working with their team.
Also, praise effort, not outcome.
“Let them know that, even if they have a setback, the trick is to keep trying,” explains Josh.
“If you just focus on the outcome, they’re more likely to get discouraged and give up if they don’t succeed.”
BUILD CONFIDENCE
5
“A lot of children struggle with processing their emotions, and this can leave them feeling overwhelmed and anxious,” says Leanne.
To help, parents need to make their child feel emotionally safe through connecting with them – a process that can require you to pause, put down whatever you are doing and pay attention to your child.
Leanne advises you: Set aside 10 minutes at the same time every day, where you spend that time totally focused on your child.
An important aspect of this approach is that you’re asking for their time, not offering to give them yours. This is a subtle, but important distinction.
Listen to your child and validate their feelings. This will help them to feel valued and accepted.
Make a weekly date where you spend time together doing something you both enjoy.
INSTIL SOME ROUTINE
5
If there are elements of your child’s life that cause them distress, make sure there is routine elsewhere.
“Children do better emotionally when there is routine and structure in their lives,” says Josh.
“Predictability is calming for children. When they know that things go in a certain order, this helps them to feel less anxious. Eating a healthy diet, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, social connection and spending time outdoors in nature – these are the basic pillars that everyone needs to function, and without them in place, a child will struggle to be resilient.”
IDENTIFY THE ISSUE
“Sometimes children find it difficult to identify what it is that they are worried or unsettled about,” says Leanne.
Try Leanne’s Worry Bubbles exercise:
Take a piece of paper and draw a few circles or “worry bubbles” all over it.
Ask your child to fill each one with something that is making them feel worried.
Look at each bubble and get your child to ask: “Is this something to worry about now, or in the next five minutes?”
“Pop” any bubbles that don’t require worrying about now.
For example, worrying about revision for exams at bedtime isn’t helpful, and can go on a to-do list instead.
If there are any five-minute bubbles left, ask your child: “Is this a thought or a fact?”
If it’s a thought, those bubbles can be popped, too.
This helps to separate out worries into what can be controlled (practical things) and things that are mostly to do with thinking, which can be changed.
NAME THEIR FEELINGS
5
Instead of assuming you know how your child feels, be curious and help them develop their emotional literacy to express themself.
Suggest possible emotions.
For instance, you could say: “It seems you feel a bit sad today.”
Josh says: “Many kids don’t even register they’ve had an emotional change. This is why helping them identify what they’re feeling and putting a name to it can help, and the next time they feel frustrated, they will have the words to tell you. This will enable them to feel calmer and less stressed in the moment, before their frustration tips into a full-blown anger tantrum.”
LIVE IN THE PRESENT
“Anxiety is rarely about something that is happening now,” says Leanne.
“So, helping a child to be more in the present, in the here and now, can help them not to think too much about what may or may not happen. That way, their anxious feelings will be reduced.”
Leanne recommends a simple exercise like the “five, four, three, two, one” grounding technique, in which you identify five things you can see, four things you can feel (like hunger or cold), three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste – all helping to root your child in the present moment.
For more practical strategies for parents and children, try P.O.W.E.R Psychology Of Wellbeing & Emotional Resilience online course (Courses.kindlekids.org.uk).
