The most lasting wound left by a narcissistic parent may not be what they said to you growing up, but what you still say to yourself today.
That is the warning from family therapist Jerry Wise, who believes one of the clearest signs of a narcissistic upbringing is not a difficult relationship with a parent, but a person’s relentless inner voice that constantly criticizes, judges and tears them down.
‘Mom and dad, or whoever was narcissistic, were hypercritical and judgmental,’ Wise told Lesi Howes, the host of The School of Greatness podcast.
‘Now I grow up and say, “I’m not going to be like that,” but what am I to myself? Hypercritical and judgmental.’
He added that adults raised in narcissistic families often become their own worst critics, carrying overwhelming guilt, shame and a tendency to judge themselves harshly long into adulthood.
The therapist believes that in many cases, the voice people hear in their heads is not entirely their own. Instead, it is an internalized version of the criticism they experienced growing up.
‘Here I am criticizing myself and cutting myself down internally and hating myself,’ he said while describing a pattern he frequently sees among adult children of narcissistic parents.
The problem, he says, is that many people fail to recognize where these thoughts originate.
Children of narcissistic parents often struggle with an inner voice that constantly criticizes them, a therapist explained (Stock Image)
Narcissists are often described as someone having an extremely high opinion of themselves and constantly craving attention and praise, while showing little care for other people’s feelings.
Individuals whose parents were narcissists may believe they simply have high standards or are driven to succeed. But underneath that drive can be a deep fear of failure, rejection or disapproval that was learned in childhood.
Wise is an experienced therapist and relationship expert. With over 45 years of experience, he holds degrees in psychology and marriage and family therapy.
He said many adult children of narcissistic parents unknowingly carry their parents’ criticism with them long after leaving home.
Rather than being shouted at by a parent, they begin directing that same harsh judgment inward.
‘They just take the voice from here and live it inside themselves,’ Wise said.
He noted that people often tell him their parents were constantly critical, only to realize they now speak to themselves in much the same way.
‘How many times have you internally screamed at yourself?’ he said. ‘You stupid.’
Family therapist Jerry Wise said many adult children of narcissistic parents unknowingly carry their parents’ criticism with them long after leaving home (Stock Image)
According to Wise, many adults who grew up in narcissistic families become trapped in cycles of self-criticism, shame and self-hatred because they internalized years of judgment and emotional wounds.
‘Here I am criticizing myself and cutting myself down internally and hating myself,’ he said, describing a pattern he frequently sees in adult children of narcissists.
Wise argued that many people mistakenly believe they are simply being hard on themselves, when in reality they are replaying family dynamics learned in childhood.
‘It’s not you doing it to you. It’s your family still doing it to you through you,’ he said.
Wise said one of the biggest challenges facing adult children of narcissistic parents is learning how to care for themselves.
According to the therapist, many grew up believing that focusing on their own needs was selfish because they were taught to prioritize everyone else in the family.
‘Self-focus is healthy,’ Wise said, arguing that many people from dysfunctional families spend so much time worrying about others that they never learn how to establish healthy emotional boundaries.
He said true healing comes when a person can separate their view of themselves from the judgments of their parents.
Rather than desperately seeking approval or becoming upset by criticism, Wise believes adults should be able to recognize that another person’s opinion does not define their worth.
He also said many adult children remain trapped by what he calls a ‘fantasy’ that one day their parents will finally provide the love, acceptance and validation they have always wanted.
‘I want the parent to love me. I want them to accept me. I want them to take care of my needs,’ Wise said, describing the hopes many people continue to carry into adulthood.
The problem, he argued, is that those expectations can prevent people from moving forward.
‘It’s the fantasy that holds us back,’ Wise said.
He believes many adults continue searching for the childhood they never had, hoping a parent will eventually change and become the supportive figure they always needed.
But according to Wise, real growth begins when people stop waiting for that moment to arrive and start building their own sense of identity, self-respect and emotional independence.
